Til We Meet Again (Ode to Chapman Pump and Pantry)

Til We Meet Again (Ode to Chapman Pump and Pantry)

By Caroline Jones

Til we meet again, my friend,

with your bug juice, and popcorn, and lovely chagrin

on the faces of clerks when they spy the next chump

who wanted ten Powerballs and no gas at the pump.

Your beautiful candy, and creamy ice cream,

your hot dogs, and hamburgers and pretty kids things.

Where will we go now to get fishing worms???

Who will help us when our milk is too warm??? (and curdled!!!)

Dear Pump and Pantry at Chapman, my dear,

My heart breaks at the heat your store feared,

From the fire that stole our bread and baked goods

And our marshmallows we used to make smores in the woods.

Farewell, my friend, til we meet again,

May your bosses resurrect you make you in trend,

And add Starbucks and Subway and Cinnabon too,

So that we may delight again and romp and play too... friends til the end, Amen.

Road Rage- Sweet As Whole

"Sometimes I can be perfectly sweet
Got this sugar in me all stuffed up in my sleeve
And I'll talk of ponies and rainbows and things
and I'm just who you want me to be.
But like most of the creatures down here on the ground
I'm composed of the elements, moving around, and I grow and change and I shift and I switch
and it turns out I'm actually kind of a b!$*# ".

- Sara Bareilles, "Sweet As Whole".

Yet another song made me for me!  I decided to open with this song on this fine morning because as happens most mornings, I experienced some crazy, intense road rage.

First of all, I will never understand the driver who is never in a hurry.  Really?!?!  You have NOTHING pressing in your life today?? Or ANY DAY?!?!  This driver not only does not go the speed limit, he typically goes 10 miles an hour under.  And... I am convinced he laughs maniacally to himself while you are stuck behind him for 5 miles.  I have a picture in my head of this guy.  He is the guy who controls everything in his life- from his early morning drive, to his Burger King breakfast with his buddies, to his trip to Menard's to find the cheapest lawn sprinkler.  Then he stops by the local steakhouse for the early bird special where he demands perfection from the waitress and then refuses to leave a tip.  Then back home, laughing all the way at the crazy blond cussing at him in the Nissan Armada.   BAH!

Then there is the "Semi trap".  I am not gonna lie here.  This is the situation in which I completely lose my mind.  In fact, I have said more than once that I am so glad there is not a video camera in my car, because if there was, I would be arrested for terroristic threats.  This trap is total and complete crap.  These guys are bored and tired and so they amuse themselves by lining up perfectly so that when you try to pass them, they quickly shift and box you in.  All the while knowing that they've GOTCHA!  Then they laugh maniacally (Yes, all jack wads on the road laugh maniacally- don't kid yourself) and call each other on their Cb's saying things like, "Did you see her face?  HAHAHAHAHA!  Let's keep her here for a good 15 minutes and see if we can get her to go postal!!!".

Now don't worry guys, I am not man bashing here because I will readily admit that women can be even worse.  Because they can be passive aggressive in their tactics.  AND they fool you with their sweet faces in the beginning... waving you through the stop sign.  But then they turn on you!  Something happens and they decide you have wronged them somehow with your wrong turn signal or failure to "thank you wave" and then IT"S ON!  They will cut you off, swerve into the lane you're trying to pass them in, and tailgate you til the cows come home.  All the while, keeping a serene look on their face.  How do I know this?  Because this is me.

So... the take home message is, do not make the Cows and Couture lady mad because I will make your life hell;)

Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Lexi would say it's because they are rare and beautiful. Whenever she spies one, she squeals in delight and demands that I spy it with her. Then we talk about how wonderful and glorious they are!

Ever wondered what color of the rainbow you would be? No? Why would you?

Turns out I have and I've decided I would be on the outside somewhere. Not any of the middle colors because they are just too chill- too mellow.

I would definitely be more of a red. And not necessarily the prettiest red. I would be more the neon, in your face red. Like that crazy bright lipstick your grandma wore to Bingo. Or the neon red ghostbusters sign. Never dull, but never subtle either. Just in your face... OUT THERE!!

I could maybe be purple too. The purple of a huge, clutzy bruise. Or maybe the purple ooze of a grape, like the ooze of sarcasm.

But yellow is too cheery. It says, "Hi! I'm Suzy Homemaker! I just baked bread and planted my garden!!". As much as I can definitely cook and love being a mom , Suzy I am not. I can't imagine living even one day without the sheer joy of sarcasm and dark humor!!

And orange is a little too out there. Yes, it's vibrant and eye catching. But it also has a raucous edge that reminds me of an out of control toddler with orange kool-aid on his lips. Let's face it- I don't have that much energy.

And green, as much as I love it, it's just too earthy, too NATURAL! (Except the vibrant green for Visalus;) Green is for the J Jill girl who embraces her natural beauty and enjoys a great denim romper. The girl who takes one look at me and frowns with disdain at my excess and my RED-PURPLENESS.

Now blue? Maybe. Blue is chill but not in a way that green is. It has an edge. Blue is a mood and a music genre and my favorite color. Blue is cool. It's nice.

What's amazing is that all of the colors of the rainbow, as different as they are, all co-exist and compliment each other. A rainbow would not be so rare and glorious without every single one of those colors. So the next time you see a girl like me, think about that. And the next time I see a denim romper... Nope can't do it. So judge away and we will co-exist peacefully- each secretly smug that WE are the bomb!! HA!!!

The Legend of Billie Jean

Remember the 1985 movie, The Legend of Billie Jean?  It debuted the song, "Love is a Battelfield", and was the story of a teenage girl intent on righting the wrongs of society.  The Heroine became an icon of strength and rebellion by cutting off her long blonde hair and standing up for youth everywhere.

One guess as to who tried to look like Billie Jean that year.  Epic fail.

So maybe I wasn't meant to be Billie Jean.  But I was meant to help youth and fight for the underdog. There's something so challenging and rewarding about that.  And let's face it- most of us have been there at some point.

I was the tall, skinny, awkward girl who could beat you in the 50 yard dash, sing you a song, and play a mean viola, but at the end of the day, I would have told you I was average and the underdog.  My family didn't have wealth and privilege.  When I went to Junior High I was not cool.  Ever.  So I can relate to the awkward teenager who walks in my office.  And I will do my damnest to get that teenager to grow wings and fly.

There are some who would argue my high maintenance is overcompensation for that awkward girl who longed to be Billie Jean.  But I think it's the end result of dreaming and believing and working hard to become the person that a young girl might say, "I want to be like her".  And not just because I have on Jessica Simpson animal print heels.  But because they saw my love of fashion and beauty and femininity and then were intrigued enough to figure out more about me.  To figure out that I have an even deeper love of friends and family.

So I am not Billie Jean:)  But I am Lexi and Sammy's mommy.  And I am a wife and a friend and all of those other words that mean I am not perfect but I will still die trying!  So bring on the Latisse and Botox and let's do this!

 Hell- the cows can even watch;)

FAKE NAILS

Yup, I get my nails done every 2-3 weeks, depending on how many dishes I've had to do and how many times the floor has to be scrubbed.  (LOL!)  And let me tell you something... nails are one of my least favorite high maintenance things to do.

The minute I walk into the nail salon, I feel like a kindergartner again.  The first question is always, "What color do you want?"  And, as if I were a kindergartner who did not know my colors yet, this exchange goes something like this: Me- "Red", Nail tech.- "NO!  You don't want that color!!  That color will not look right!  You want PURPLE!".
At this point I just want to say, "Really?!".  I mean aren't they my nails and my money?  I don't get it.

And the bossiness does not stop there.  Oh no.  During my last visit, I pointed out to the nail technician that I had another salon do my nails because their business had a sign posted that they were closed for an emergency.  I tell her this, because it really pisses these people off if they know you have not been back for a while.  They will demand to know where you went to betray them.  So I am expecting a response along the lines of, "Oh I am so sorry we were closed.".  Nope.  I get, "Where did you go?!?!  Who did them?!?!  Well, they did a very bad job!!  You went to the wrong place!!!!!".  Are you kidding me?!  My response at that point was, "Perhaps you should have posted the appropriate place to go in case of emergency".  GOOD GOD!

The other thing that really pisses these people off is if you give them a time limit.  I often try to get my nails done on a lunch break from work so that I don't have to drive into town on my day off and juggle Sammy.  So I tell them I have an hour.  Well... then I get an eye roll, a hostile look at the clock, and a verbal berating directed at the neighboring nail tech as if I don't know she's calling me a stupid witch in her native tongue.  I mean, it's an HOUR!  It's not like doing nails is rocket science.

My friend recenty took her daughter to get pedicures.  At some point in the process, the nail tech asks if this is, indeed, her daughter.  When given an afiirmative answer, the nail tech proceeds to register astonishment and state that they do not look at alike because the daughter does not have a big nose!  WHAT?!?!  That nail tech is very fortunate Caroline Jones was not in that chair because the chair would have made its way up her patootie;)

So... I mentioned that I love to run:)  AND I mentioned that the weather in Nebraska is unpredictable.  Those two criteria = photo op above- YIKES!

Last Friday it was me and Sammy (Lexi is a 1st grader) and as is always the case, Sammy kept me very busy because he is quite vocal about his every want and need.  By the time I was ready to load Sammy in the stroller, it was approaching noon.  We have had warmer than usual weather and the sun was out so I was really looking forward to it!  About a mile later, I was ready to collapse from heat stroke, and I am not exaggerating.  At this point, I decide to look at the weather on my iphone.  Um....  90 degrees and humidity so high it would make a monkey's butt in the jungle look cool and inviting.  What in God's name was I thinking?! 

Now, most normal people would just turn back around and find air conditioning.  NOT ME!  Ol' exercise addict thought that would giving up too easily!  I proceeded to run/walk 3 miles while panting, sweating, spitting, coughing, and considering drinking out of the cattle tank.  All the while, Sammy is sleeping peacefully in his shaded stroller, dreaming of what life might be like with a normal mommy.  This was a good thing because only the cows heard my cursing.

Days like these, I ask myself, "Why do I live in Nebraska?!".  I have yet to come up with a good answer.  I suppose it is mostly just because I was born and raised here and roots go awfully deep.  And I do have to say I appreciate the wide open spaces and the good people who are our friends and neighbors.  In Aurora, you still get the feeling that life is good and your kids are safe.  BUT...  these nice things come at a price!  Absolutely ridiculous weather- if it's not cold and snowing, it's hot and humid and WINDY.  And, on my runs there is always a nice array of stenches from road kill and cow dung.  AND. last but not least there is extremely limited shopping unless you drive two hours east or hop online.

But, I am here and happily married with two beautiful children and wonderful family and friends.  So, you take the good with bad and the Cows with the Couture!

High Maintenance

Good morning!  What a gorgeous morning in central Nebraska!  Last night was a different story though.  As is very common in Nebraska, our weather was crazy.  Strong storms were predicted and all of us had an eye to the sky on guard for a twister.  However, in our neck of the woods, we escaped any tornado activity.  In fact, it was more like the fourth of July with lots of pretty lightning.  Just south of us, Hastings got HUGE hail- softball sized in fact.  It truly is day to day in knowing what to expect.  We can literally have one day of bright, sunny skies, and the next: snow on the ground!

Speaking of weather, when you are a high maintenance girl like me, weather can be more than just annoying.  I have my hair, makeup, and clothes down to a science and when wind, rain, snow, etc. mess with that;  well it's kind of like a cat jumping on your computer and hitting the delete button after an hour's worth of unsaved work.  Today the song, High Maintenance by Joanna Cotten came on my playlist and I had to giggle because I am pretty sure she wrote the song for me:)  Here are a few lyrics:

You gotta curl them lashes
You gotta line them lips
You gotta know what flatters
the curviture of your hips.
We need a lot of experts
We're hiding every flaw
Going up against gravity
Breaking every natural law.
From head to heel
We gotta pump this up
It takes a whole lotta work
To get to that good love
It's HIGH MAINTENANCE!

I am always looking for that cute outfit, that new pair of killer heels, or that next magic mascara!  I have come to love Latisse and my husband's new foray into Botox!  Some call me shallow, but I like to call myself high maintenance because I truly do love to help others... I just really want to look good doing it! 

I am also addicted to working out.  I adore a long run and hate gyms but will saunter into them for the newest butt kicking workout.  I really do love Zumba, Body Pump, and Jillain Michaels Ripped in Thirty.  As I am approaching 40- ugh- I have found that I have to watch my diet more.  So I watch my carbs, I drink my protein shakes after workouts and I live my life as healthy as possible without giving up the fun!

Better get back to work- I am a Mental Health Therapist at the High School and the proud mom of Lexi (7) and Sam (2).  Hugs and Kisses to all you other high maintenance mamas and know that you can also enjoy Cows and Couture all in the same day:)