The "Not So Good Wife" needs to get in line.

I'm sure Sarah Paley thought making fun of Nebraska was a fun and original idea.  Fun? Eh.  Original?  Epic fail.

Sarah, honey, get in line.  If I had a dollar for every comedian who called us hearty pioneers who are corn fed, Runza loving, football fanatical, freaks of nature, I would be richer than Warren Buffett.

Yes, I get it.  You are doing the whole, "I'll make fun of myself so I can make fun of you" thing.  Preach to the choir, girlfriend.  See, the problem is, us Nebraskans aren't only guiltless and hearty.  We are also heartless and do not gladly suffer fools.  You know the painting, "American Gothic"?  Picture that image as our collective response to your article.

Now I could go on and on about how arrogant and condescending your article was, but that would be as boring as reading it.  Instead, I have a list of must-see attractions for your next visit to our great state.

1.  For Pantsuits: ???????? No clue, Sarah.  I go for jeans, skirts and killer heels.  Posh and Precious in Aurora, Nebraska, and Stefanie's Closet and Strut in G.I., Nebraska to name a few.  Or see my friend, Melissa Griffith, at Conestoga Mall and get ready for the shopping adventure of your life.

2. For Pearls: SouthSeaPearl.com.  Kerri Kliewer is a fabulous jeweler from Henderson, Nebraska who can rock a string of pearls.

3. For Flag Pins: Are you sure you weren't at Bingo night at the local Vets Club?  (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

4. For People Cancelling a Social Event: You speaking at the next Nebraska Bowhunters Association event.

5. For Pop: Farmers Daughter and Sin City are a few of my fave restaurants in Grand Island, Nebraska where the food and POP, POP, POP, POP, POP are fantastic!

6. For Sacks: There is a Doctor Johns that will hide your latest sex emporium purchase in a Sack.

7.  For Hunting Adventures: Call up Doc V or Doc J from Docs Wildlife Blends.  They'll be happy to show you what you are missing.  Then take your trophy to Osage Taxidermy in Hastings, Nebraska to show all your friends.

8. For Hearty Pioneers: If you're wanting to see actual pioneer garb and covered wagons, check out Stuhr Museum or the Great Platte River Road Archway.  But if you want to see a modern day Nebraska woman you can write home about, go to the Platte River on a summer day and witness the kind of redneck fun fest your type could not handle.

9.  For Billfolds: Well, better start saving up because Nebraska billfolds may get harder to find.

10. For Hysteria, Tantrums, or Sulking: You would be better off staying in Manhattan because us guiltless, hearty, "Little Engines That Could" Nebraskans simply don't behave that way.